When you see me I'm having a good day. And thanks be to God I have plenty of great days.
But there are "those days" when you don't see me. When my intentions are good and plentiful yet my abilities are not. It is always a battle when "those days" hit. They generally come on without warning. Initially it is an overwhelming perception that the air around me has become heavy. Every little thing becomes monumental. Just the regular activities of daily living seem like overwhelming tasks that I am unable to accomplish.
The "old me" (before chronic disease became a part of my life) still sees myself as lazy when I don't follow through with my goals and plans. Especially if this inability includes simple things like getting dressed and getting the bed made and the laundry done. Or even doing simple hygiene things like washing my hair seems too labor intensive.
So I'm trying to get adjusted to the fact that I cannot count on myself to feel great from one day to the next. In fact I am having to realize that if the Lord Himself has allowed this affliction to continue, then HE will show Himself strong through me and obtain glory through it all.
Am I giving in when I realize I cannot do the things that I've committed to doing? When I stay in a horizontal position most of the day? When I let my husband or family down regarding plans we've made and I can no longer fulfill?
No- I've decided not. I am enduring this trial to become stronger in Jesus and to somehow allow Him to show His grace and mercy through me.
No I am not giving in. I am yielding and trusting and praying for a way that this will be used to minister compassion towards someone else who struggles with some of the same "can't depend on myself" issues.
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How I relate to your words and understand so well the things that seem insurmountable but should be doable. As a fellow sufferer of chronic illness, I know the sadness that can come from letting your family down, from letting yourself down, are we really letting them down? We just can't do it some days, and hopefully we glorify the Lord on the good days and the bad.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Amy K
Your words minister & draw me like a soothing oasis in a world of misunderstanding and high expectations. God bless you, dear friend. My body is screaming for relief today myself, and even so, I was beating myself up last night for not getting my housework done this week. I'm convinced God appointed me to read your post today:-) Oh, the glory of His sweet spirit that's alive and well in you! "Yielding and trusting"...the place for every true believer, whether physically challenged or not. Thank you for this beautifully honest and faith-filled post.While I pray for you, I realize the work He's already perfecting in you, and I rejoice to see it!
ReplyDeleteResting in Him,
V.
a friend gave me a link to this story: On your bad days, your spoons just don't go as far!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf